Wednesday, February 4, 2009


It's me. It's been a long time since I last took communion. I am completely and totally checked out. I guess that means that I become a bastard or an asshole, or maybe the thing is that it is in my nature not to care about anybody but myself when left to my own devices. I want to be able to yell "fuck you" to random strangers just to do it when I haven't been doing church as regularly as I should, but really I seem to be in this state more often than not despite all the efforts that I've done to counteract it as of late. Yet, somehow, I don't doubt that whatever the hell is going on will sort itself out in "time for supper" to coin a phrase. I don't understand human interactions. I don't understand how somebody could actually be offended by anything that I have to say when I myself don't see a problem with it. I guess the reality is, I'm not some psychotic person who will inflict violence on others, that's wrong. I'm saying that I don't know how the hell to actually get something going that to me I can be excited about when right now nothing is exciting. Not blogging, not drawing, not music, not gaming, not work (which I'm supposed to start soon), not church... and the list goes on.
I guess what I'm saying is I am so beyond bored and I have no challenges in my life that I've gotten frustrated with the act of living it when I feel half dead.
I don't need counseling, I don't need pills, I need to actually do some things that I give a flying fuck about rather than just sitting on my ass waiting for life to happen. I know that it's not about to and I want to do something more than work in some office for the rest of my life. I want to have a lot of money, not because I care about getting things I don't need, but so I can finally not be on assistance/ disability. I want to be able to laugh in stephen harper's face and say "fuck you asshole" in person. I want to be with a woman who is tall, competitive and intelligent. I have high standards for my life and I'm not even coming close to living up to them and it's MY FAULT. So, what's the game plan? Getting off my complacent ass I guess. first step is to clean that dilapitated shithole I call a room, I guess. Right after I get something to eat.

1 comment: said...

Well, I really and truly think that having a clean room is the first thing you need to do in order to get your mind clear and gain inspiration. The rest will come if you keep working toward it.
Plus your mom will love you for cleaning your room. At least that's my experience. ;-)