Saturday, April 12, 2008

My nan has been dead for Three years

Shit, I didn't think she would die. Its been three years and it is still hard as hell for me to accept the fact that she is dead, and no I am not hallucinating. One of the reasons I hate going near that damned building is that one of the things that isn't going to be the same or hasn't been the same for three years is the fact that she isn't going to be coming back anytime soon. Not in this lifetime,at least. Normally that shouldn't be something that really phases me. In fact I anticipated not really caring if it happened. Gods damn it, I was wrong (BSG reference here). I was totally unprepared for the emotional shock this would take for me. I thought I wouldn't cry, but while she was in pain, I did cry. I almost NEVER do that. I prefer to be in a state of emotional neutrality because that way, people don't use my emotions against me in some sort of a power play. I hate when people do that kind of thing. Yet, even though she wasn't even orthodox, the first thing I did was call my priest to come to the hospital. He was nice, and did what prayers he could do even though he couldn't give her last rites even if she was orthodox because of the frakking breathing tube.
She was in pain the last couple days of her life, and that bitch that I used to refer at one time as my "favorite aunt" didn't make things any easier. She tried to dictate terms, and belittle both my mother and I. I still have an axe to grind against her and one day hope to sue her into the poor house just to make a point. One example was how she said "that was nice calling your priest,but I don't think you should call him over here again". If nan hadn't been on her death bed, it was almost one of those times where you want to grab this woman who would dictate terms and ask her "now who in the hell died and put YOU in charge?". I knew that my so called family was not very close to us, but I still had my hopes. Well,that week and those days taught me a very valuable and very painful lesson. While some people think that family is the most important thing in your life, it isn't the lesson I learned. I learned that your so called family can turn on you in an instant and I ALSO LEARNED that I can trust one person beyond a reasonable doubt. That person is ME. I saw this aunt in her true mode, her selfish and hateful self came out in full force, and I saw the truth for what it was. So, what positive came out of this? Well, for one; I don't think I would ever have gotten to talking to my priest at all or knowing his wife and child if I hadn't decided to call him to come to the hospital or had called the pastor of the mennonite brethren church instead (I was transitioning from mennonite brethren to orthodox at the time and still was doing the catechism). Second, I remember that only days before, my uncle Libra (that's his sign, and he's the only Libra uncle) had been coming to visit and nan wanted to know if he and mom were here yet. I told her on the phone that I disliked the man because I didn't like people visiting and he was always trying to get me to "get a job and stuff". She told me some advice I will never forget. "You can't go through life without anybody or you'll die alone". She was always blunt and to the point, and I guess whenever I wasn't busy arguing with her on how wrong I thought she was, I got along with her. Especially when we had a common enemy to bitch about (IE that putrid bitch of an aunt who made us smoke on the porch or didn't let me watch science fiction because it was in her opinion "too violent").
Well, I know one thing; if I had known then what I know now, I probably still would have argued with Nan (I'm part Aries, after all) but I might have tried to be nicer to her and such. Not saying I would succeed, but maybe I wouldn't have insulted her ad hurt her feelings. (I honestly was under the impression that she HAD NONE, but I was wrong). Will I die without a shred of honor? Will my life amount to squat because of this? I honestly couldn't tell you.I think this is my way to try and say that despite the fact that we didn't get along, I cried at the funeral. The truth is, I cared for my nan very much, and our arguing was how we expressed ourselves. We were both very adamant in the fact that we enjoyed a good argument. This is also my way of saying she still is missed, and may she find the peace she deserves (if she's not trying to buy cheap smokes off of Jesus that is, heck even if she is, may she find it.).
Either way, I'm going to put in this post with some pictures of her that I took during our final impromptu visit to her place.

I'm going to end this entry with something else.
May the winds be at your back
May the sunlight never die
The people that actually give a frak
Still have tears flowing from their eyes
May a gentle breeze guide you to
where you must now be
and the lords of Kobol be waiting
When we next meet again

So say we all
So say we all
So say we all
So say we all

End blog entry

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