Thursday, February 21, 2008


My life is one where I have been saying crap like "that's okay", and whenever I used to play games with my step brother, we had to make due with certain realities. There was always this game called "let's pretend", which later in my life evolved into "that's ok" and "life isn't what I wanted it to be so let's play this new game" and I called it the "settle for" game. People don't accept me for who I am whether I behave or not? Well I'll "settle for" talking to myself in private, and I will keep myself company. My best friend stabs me in the back, and tries to make me look like a complete and total douchebag? Well, I will settle for being my own best friend, who needs that person in my life? Members of the opposite gender don't want to even freaking talk to me because I'm a weirdo in their eyes and I can't do anything right?! Well, "settle for" a life of unhappiness, and move on. What a damned crock that I realized that I can neither afford nor did I want to buy in the first place! I have goals, and they don't involve asking some idiots "would you like fries with that" while contemplating ways I could put an end to a life that inevitably becomes a miserable existence because I was too busy bitching and complaining about it to do anything to change it.
I make NO APOLOGIES whatsoever for who I am and who I want to be in life.
Just because I am a cancer doesn't mean I am a pessimist all the time. I hate pessimists, and I am not people's therapist. I frankly, don't get paid enough.
I am not the parish priest either, and no it isn't okay to call me at three in the morning, because chances are, I will hang up on your ass.
I want to help people out who need it, and I will fight like a bastard for the underdog, but for now, the underdog is ME. So, I have to fight for myself before I can make anybody else's life any better. I am not wanting people to feel sorry for me or be their charity case either. I want to be able to say I DID IT. I want to be able to look back on my life and have more times where I said "I don't care what others think" and did something anyway, and less times where I passed up a good opportunity because I was afraid to fail or fall flat on my ass.
I am an optimist, and the way I see things makes me sick and irritable.
I have a lot of things that I NEED TO DO TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN, and I won't rest until its all done.
I have A MOON IN ARIES, so I am all about the chase. People just don't seem to get that about me. I have a lot to say, and I have a lot that I WILL do. My thoughts on this are, (to society in general) either help me accomplish my goals or stay the hell out of my way. I will not be treated like I don't exist, and if I seem egocentric or self centered, well I always was, I just didn't let those around me see it because it hurt people's feelings to think that someone was actually happier trying to improve themselves or love themselves.
I think anyone whether they are an honest to God Aries, or just happen to be influenced by traits of that personality, tend to see things in a different light than that of the people who are always settling for something safe and cushy.
What the hell happened to taking chances and doing what you want to do, and getting the most out of your lives?
Don't tell me that we just feel that settling for making somebody else rich or happy while we work our stupid mundane jobs at Walmart or a call center or even some office is gratifying. If it was, would people be on anti-depressants or would school be so God awful that we wish we didn't have to go to improve ourselves?
We see that the so called "biggest sin" is laziness and un-productiveness, but I see the biggest sin isn't in not doing something for work as far as a nine to five job, but being lazy in terms of not realizing your full potential. By going to law school because acting may not pay more in terms of your finances, even though you hate being a lawyer and wish you could be making films instead. That, my friends who believe in a higher power, a "God" if you will, is where you tend to pull off being lazy. That, is the part of sloth and faithlessness that then ensues as a result of thinking that playing it safe is always the option.
I like to try to challenge myself in new and exciting ways, intellectually, and whenever a thought comes into my head I develop it to see where it goes.
I was lucky to have a mom that didn't feed me crap phrases such as "stop your daydreaming, idiot" and "that's ridiculous".
I want to end my life (not suicide, but live my life to it's natural end) having done something to contribute to this society, but if by contribute to society you think I mean be some lackey at an office, you are sorely mistaken. I could be a doctor or a lawyer if I wanted to, and I could do a hell of a lot better in law school than anybody there. I am competitive, its IN MY NATURE. Just look at how I excel in things I give a crap about. But, law school is a boring waste of time, so I can't be bothered; same with medical school. Not my cup of tea, if you will. I am tired of looking at other people and thinking "wow, I wish I was them, because I'm so unhappy with my life". I will one day be making my own films, and doing creative ventures, because I have the tools to succeed, I just haven't figured out how to use them fully. I am not a "victim" I am a "victor", I will not cry "woe is me" I will triumphantly shout "I will persevere". Why? Because, defeat is simply not an option nor will it ever be. If I believed in accepting defeat, I would have ended it all when I was 14. But, obviously, I am still alive.
I believe in forgiveness, but only if someone has demonstrated that they are truly sorry. That's why I am mad at my brother because of how he treated my mother in the past after when I was a kid, he emphasized that I must ALWAYS RESPECT MY MOTHER.
He's a hypocrite, and if he ever reads this I DEMAND HE APOLOGIZE to my mother for acting like a hypocrite. That is why I am ashamed to associate with him; not because of what he did growing up (that kind of stuff I am past now).
Growing up, he was like a mentor to me, teaching me things such as respect, and to a degree, honor. So, when I saw him act with such dishonor, I got very angry and disillusioned with him. Sure, he has been and always be a pain in the ass control freak (he's a Leo). But, if he realized why I was mad, and could see that one doesn't just do something like that, then I could forgive.
You see, I hold grudges because I see a valid reason to. I'm a person that sees what is wrong with people and is all about trying to move on, but if someone doesn't realize their mistake, then they're cut off from speaking to me.
I know, some people are of the opinion that you should forgive someone just because "God told you to", but the same code that makes me hate myself when I have done something dishonorable and doesn't let me let it go until I have made it right makes it so that when someone has been dishonorable to someone I care about that I cannot forgive them until they not only realize their mistake, but try to do better. To show that they are sorry, rather than just no longer mad. What I see is he acts like he's doing her a favor by talking to her. Maybe I am wrong. But, until he feels guilty for that terrible stunt he pulled with mom, then I am inclined not to forgive and forget.
I will be successful and I will keep an open mind about the possibility of not giving him the "you don't exist" treatment. Until then, let's hope he realizes his mistake and my life will go on regardless.
Thanks to those people reading, its cheaper than therapy. (although, shrinks here are covered by MSI).
have a good day.


Old Knudsen said...

I've found that people throughout yer life will let you doon as you will also let people doon. Sometimes there are complex reasons which are not always apparent and sometimes there are no good reason just a lack of respect. Accepting others is a big part of respect. Also its hard to respect others if you don't respect yerself first and that is very lacking in the world.

You have high standards for yerself, just remember not everyone will measure up to yer standards, you also have to understand that they have flaws as do all of us , you don't have to like the flaws but you have to acknowledge them and understand them to know that person.

Remember this, 'fortune favours the bold' and also 'discretion is the better part of valour' knowing when to use these guides is the tough part. Its good that you refuse to settle and curl up, just move on from yer hurts, don't forget them but don't let them twist you, learn from them. There are good people out there its just tough finding them and getting to know them.

Life is a silly game and people skirt around things and get offended when you speak 'yer' truth, just see the middle east for that, does my arse look big in this? truth is not always the right way to go sometimes.

I've been hurt by people so I am cautious at times with how much I tell them and how fast I tell it, I test them a little before I get to know them. I only have time for people that do what they say they will as talk is cheap,' There is a lot between saying and doing.'

I don't know if you like yer brother or not, I suspect you do but are angry at him because you found he had flaws. Teaching honour and respect is a worthy endeavour and yer brother is right to try to pass those values onto you but not everyone can practice what they preach and will at times fail.
I try to be honourable but its hard to be it in this world 100% of the time but trying is to be respected because people do fall and a lot of people don't even try.

Growing up we have all said things to our parents that we shouldn't have or not appreciated them as much as we should have that's a part of growing up.

Has yer mother forgiven him? is that why you are really angry or is it because he let you doon?

I have a brother I will never be close to because even though he was 12 years older than me he taunted me all through my childhood and put me doon at every opportunity, the only thing he taught me was how to be sarcastic and hurt others. He should have known better, my parents should have stopped it.
I learned from my parents and became a better parent. I learned from my brother and use my sarcasm to entertain (for the most part) and I realised my brother was jealous of me because he was the only boy for 12 years and now I got the attention, sad really and I feel sorry that me never moved on, don't be stuck in the past.

Not the same situation as you siblings torture each other but yers tried to make you better too. End of transmission.

shister said...

Good insight. Thanks for the advice.